My life feels like a dream. Nothing feels real; it’s as if I am playing a really long, realistic game and any minute now I’ll wake up and it will all be gone. For some reason, it hasn’t hit me that this is real life and even better, it’s my life. Every choice I make, consciously or unconsciously, leads me further and further down a specific path and closes off all other options. I can’t believe the random sequence of events that led me to Wilmington, living with the people I do. And the random selection of my hall mates and the dorm I am in will determine so much of my future, merely because of proximity. Who can count the opportunities that will be available to me because of these coincidences, and the chances that I never know I’ll miss because I live here?
It’s hard to imagine that everything I do will affect the future in such a profound way, that in 15 years, everything about me will have been shaped by some previous event. And there’s nothing I can do about that. But the good news is that we are always growing and there is time to become what we want to and achieve our dreams, as long as we consciously work towards them.
There are so many possibilities for our lives to possess. It’s easy to get stuck on minor details and stress ourselves out. When I’m sad or worried or stressing, I like to picture myself from a bird’s eye view, with all my sadness pouring out. Then I shut it all inside my body, and my view spins up and away, looking out over the country, then the earth, spinning into the outer galaxies, then I can see the whole universe is contained in the pupil of a cat’s eye, spinning out and a small boy is stroking the cat, who lives on a mountain, then I can see the countryside for miles and miles and the ocean stretches away and another planet falls away beneath me, then a lid slams shut over a bag of marbles and that whole planet was just another marble, and on and on I go until I realize that my grief is so infinitely small and worthless. There is no reason for me to worry. The Universe is concerned with greater things than me, myself and I. It will work the way it should, and not a moment too soon. There are so many other happenings that are marvelous, and it’s too easy to forget these things when we get caught up in ourselves. I love the America is an individualistic society because of the opportunities it provides, but sometimes I wish we could stop and look around.
I want to work on focusing less on myself and more on the workings of the world and others. Consider how things might look from another perspective. Look in places I had bypassed earlier. Focus on helping people however I can and don’t worry about myself so much. Because if I am preoccupied, I won’t even have time to worry or stress. Most of the time it’s pointless anyways. It won’t fix anything. But taking that wasted energy and putting it to good, productive use is a good redirection of thoughts and it serves to help not only myself but everyone around me.