And so this year comes to a close.
I’m not one to make resolutions because I don’t think my goals should be based around a yearly calendar. If I’m serious about them then they should be ongoing and motivated by myself, not by the approach of January. But I do like to take this time to reflect on the past year of my life and what’s to come.
At the beginning of 2015, my world was changing very quickly. I had two very different possibilities open for college: one in Montana and one in North Carolina. I cannot imagine two more different locations. But I was faced with this choice, and I somehow came to a decision about which would be my future. And here I am in North Carolina, one year later. I am one hundred percent sure I picked well, because I have made wonderful friends in the past four months and discovered a program that suits me very well and I just have that feeling when I walk around the campus. But what if I hadn’t picked UNCW? Would I still have been happy? (I’m not even going to try to answer that. Just pondering.)
At this time last year, I felt very grown-up with the responsibility of committing to a college looming. I had just acquired an awareness for toxic people in my life and thought very highly of myself for finally being able to get rid of them. But now, I look back on that self as a child. I had no idea what college would turn out to be like, and I didn’t know just how many people I would lose and gain this year. And it’s weird to think that once again, this is the maturest I’ve ever been, but I have so much more to learn and so much room to grow into myself.
One year ago, my life was a hallway with hundreds of doors, all of them wide open. Now, there are still open doors for me to choose from, but many have been shut already. Some looked very attractive from the outside, but I found their contents to be dangerous and unhealthy for my soul. Some have long been in the process of closing and continue their journey shut as I type. And there is one shining doorway at the end of the hallway that I feel myself being pulled towards by something unseen. This is the doorway of my future. This is the one door that I can’t see into because it holds the truth of what I was meant for on this earth. I know I will get there someday, and mostly I’m excited to uncover what it hides. But sometimes I find myself digging in my heels and groping blindly for other doors, though deep down I know they too will close in time. Sometimes I forget that what’s best for me will find me naturally and on its own, and I don’t need to force a connection to find what’s right.
So I’m rambling. 2015 was a good year for me in that it was eye-opening and I learned a lot. I learned even more about how to make myself happy and something makes me suspect I have far more to learn… I learned about interacting with others and that my own perspective is really the only one I can trust. I alone possess my specific mix of experiences, thoughts, and emotions, and to let someone else decide how I see the world (or even myself) is an injustice to my own personality. This has also been the best year ever for me in terms of writing. I started this blog, I have been journaling much more regularly, and now I even volunteer at a magazine.
But there are many things I could have done better. I didn’t listen to my instincts enough. I should know by now that there’s a certain weird feeling I get that means I’m not on the right path. It means I’m digging in my heels again and clawing at closing doors and I need to let go and center myself again. Just as there is a weird feeling that means I’m walking straight down the hallway, right towards my door, to everything that is good and happy and right. I have wasted time with the wrong people and been scared of finding the right people. This is what I want the most for 2016: to listen to myself and do what I know to be right. No overthinking, no insecurities, no outside influences. No amount of wrong turns in the past should keep me from deserving the right way. 2016 will be for finding and keeping my true self, doing happy things, having the courage to let good things happen to me, and doing things to keep me healthy both in body and mind. I will be even more of myself when I come out the other side.
Thanks for reading! What are your hopes for 2016?